i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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