Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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