During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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