So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
