So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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