I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
