I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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