His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
