shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
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burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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