I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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