We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
