I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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