i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
