i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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