While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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