I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
