M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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