I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
