That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
