I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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