So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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