I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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