Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
