i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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