Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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