they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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