how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
