I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
