so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
