Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
