My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
