If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
