At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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