I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
