last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
