I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
