apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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