I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
