when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
