I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
