I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my phone needs a breathalizer
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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