God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
