Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
