I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
