well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
