I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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