Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
