just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
