I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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