My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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