Where did you get a picture of my penis
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i believe in u and ur pee
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
