I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
