I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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