I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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